Avoiding the task, part 1: an internal monologue
Naming the behaviours that hold our creativity back
Here’s a scenario that I think you’ll find familiar. You’re meaning to get down to a creative task and you’re facing resistance. The closer you get to the task, the harder it seems to start it, as if there’s a forcefield around it.
The following is partly drawn on experience, partly not. I don’t eat biscuits, for a start (or not any more), and I’m not currently composing a Mass. However, I’m hoping much of this will be relatable:
Facing the resistance. An inner monologue:
Tea! I must have tea. In my favourite over-sized mug, of course. Where’s that mug gone now? I can’t have tea in that chipped mug. Let me just find my special mug, my creative mascot. Can’t compose without it.
The kettle is filled and the switch flicked. A few minutes, then, for me to nip on the phone and scroll through the newsfeed. Apparently, Attorney General Pam Bondi is still lying to Congress, and people are still outraged. I’ve seen the clips before but I watch them anyway.
The kettle is doing its crescendo. It’s a slow news-day, so I’m already on email. There’s an invite for some work from a school. I ought to get back to the school straight away. The job might go elsewhere if not. It’s urgent.
…I’m now twelve emails in, as they’re all urgent too. The kettle needs reboiling.
Ok, mug found, tea poured, and I settle at the piano.
Ought to wash up those other mugs first, though, can’t have those hanging around.
Now I can settle at the piano.
Why did I even set myself this blatantly over-ambitious task of composing an entire Mass for eight-voice choir? It’s ridiculous.
I should start with just a little anthem, an ‘Ubi Caritas’ perhaps. That’s what other composers do, right? Much more practical. But oh no, I have to take on an entire Mass! What am I trying to prove?
Talking of other composers, I still haven’t listened to Roxana Panufnik’s mass yet. Or Paul Mealor’s either. Perhaps I’d better take a listen, set up some reference points.
I need a biscuit or two, though. Can’t sit down for a long listen without some sustenance. Where’s the fun in that?
Damn, out of biscuits. I guess that’s a quick trip to the corner shop, then.
Listening now to Mealor’s Mass with some chocolate digestives and it’s fantastic. Just far better than anything I could write, damn it. I dab at the piano. It sounds so derivative compared to what I’ve just heard.
I do manage a few chords but:
Critic-on-the-shoulder: That harmony is so eighties. Are you sure? Is this some kind of cheesy love song?
Me: Nice on the ear, though.
Critic: Naff, more like.
Me: Give it a chance, let’s see where it goes, eh?
Critic: Every time we do that, we end up going around in circles, don’t we? How is this time going to be different?
Me: You’ll see. Anyway, I want to write something that people will actually listen to. Buy, even.
Critic: Buy? Come on. You’ve got more chance making money leaping up a beanstalk.
Me: Didn’t stop Mozart.
Critic: You’re no Mozart, my little friend. Remember what Mr Potts said?
Me: My old composition teacher? Why are you bringing him up?
Critic: If I remember rightly, and I definitely do, he said you’d better consider plumbing or some other ‘more reliable income’.
Me: Mr Potts never wrote anything interesting himself, is the thing.
Critic: Well, how would you get this performed anyway? Which choir would take on a new work like this? And then what, after a first performance? Consigned to the shelf as usual. What’s the point?
He has a point, in that there seems to be no point.
Still. Let me give at least this first line a go before lunch. Hang on, is that the time? Already? I’ll never get this done before lunch. Need more of a run at it, to get into flow.
There’s always Saturday, isn’t there? If we don’t end up going into town as I promised…
Analysis
There are various different vocabularies for describing this kind of resistance, each according to the background discipline. If you’re a cognitive behavioural therapist, you’ll refer to avoidance behaviour and task aversion. Psychoanalysts might talk about repression of creative desires and their eventual transference into the work, or their sublimation into symbolic activity. In creative studies we refer mainly to flow states and what might block them, including distractions and threshold anxiety. If you’re a coach, you might think of limiting beliefs and the activation energy required to overcome them. Neuroscientists may point to the amygdala hijack that happens, that sense of overwhelm at the start. Sartre may have called your reluctance to respond to your core creative identity an instance of ‘bad faith.’
I like this one. Imagine Sartre saying ‘bof, c’est de la mauvaise foi’, eyes lidded, cigarette hanging off lower lip:
So, if we wanted to we could label the various different types of avoidant behaviour as follows:
Categorising the resistance:
Tea! I must have tea…Can’t compose without it.
Procrastination / Ritualised avoidance (a comforting preparatory routine masking fear of beginning)
A few minutes, then, for me to nip on the phone and scroll through the newsfeed
Displacement activity / Behavioural avoidance (substituting trivial mental engagement for the difficult creative task)
There’s an invite for some work from a school. I ought to get back to the school straight away. It’s urgent.
Task aversion (gravitating to easier, externally validated tasks)
Instant gratification bias (preferring quick social reward to slow creative labour)
Cognitive distortion to create false urgency
I’m now twelve emails in, as they’re all urgent too. The kettle needs reboiling.
Compulsive busyness that prioritises the urgent over the important / Displacement / Avoidant over-functioning (activity as defence against anxiety)
Ought to wash up those other mugs first, though
Another classic displacement activity, or form of threshold anxiety
Why did I even set myself this blatantly over-ambitious task of composing an entire Mass for eight-voice choir? It’s ridiculous.
Limiting beliefs / Perfectionism / Fear of failure
I should start with just a little anthem, an ‘Ubi Caritas’ perhaps. That’s what other composers do, right? Much more practical. But oh no, I have to take on an entire Mass! What am I trying to prove?
Impostor syndrome / Self-doubt as protective strategy
Talking of other composers, I still haven’t listened to Roxanna Panufnik’s Mass yet. Or Paul Mealor’s either. Perhaps I’d better take a listen, set up some reference points. I might be inspired too.
Rationalisation (recasting avoidance as research)
Comparative thinking (setting up future self-criticism)
I need a biscuit or two, though. Can’t sit down for a long listen without some sustenance. Where’s the fun in that?
Procrastination through minor reward-seeking
Damn, out of biscuits. I guess that’s a quick trip to the corner shop, then.
Behavioural avoidance again, now with physical displacement
Listening now to Mealor’s Mass with some chocolate digestives and it’s fantastic. Just far better than anything I could write, damn it.
Negative self-comparison / Self-sabotage / Limiting belief
I dab at the piano. It sounds so derivative compared to what I’ve just heard.
Inner critic activation
Critic-on-the-shoulder dialogue:
They’re so eighties.
Inner critic (CBT: maladaptive inner dialogue. Psychoanalytic: superego voice)
Naff, more like.
Catastrophising / All-or-nothing thinking
Every time we do it, we end up going around in circles, don’t we?
Learned helplessness
You’ve got more chance making money leaping up a beanstalk.
Limiting belief
Remember what Mr Potts said…
Transference (importing external voices of authority)
There seems to be no point…
Existential anxiety / Bad faith
Need more of a run at it, to get into flow.
Perfectionism (holding out for ideal conditions)
Avoidant postponement (waiting for a perfect block of time)
There’s always Saturday, isn’t there? If we don’t end up going into town as I promised…
Procrastination / Behavioural avoidance cloaked as planning
What do we do with all of this?
Behavioural change starts by naming those things that are holding us back and introducing some distance from our immediate emotional response so we can take different, more constructive decisions.
In this first part, I just wanted to get you thinking about the choices, minor or major, that lead you away from the creative task. Yours might well be different to mine. It doesn’t matter, the main thing is to recognise them, identify them and make a different choice. One that draws you in to your creativity rather than spins you away.
In the second part next week, I’ll be sharing a different way of framing this whole enquiry, drawing on the Wisdom literature of desert monks and nuns:
Part 2: Temptation and how to resist it (or not)
Happy creating!